day two.

I've been sitting here in the dark for the past 3 or so hours......hoping I might get a small chance to talk to him.....but all i've gotten so far is just an IM from an old girlfriend on SL, the girl I met at the hospital....we began talking after she asked me if I knew how to deliver her baby. We only talked for about 5 minutes, until she signed off.

I'm pretty close to giving up now. It's already 10:36 PM where I'm at...and I've got some homework to catch up on. It doesn't really help that my real life boyfriend and I are having problems right now, either.

I'm just so confused. I don't know what to do. I'm sitting here on this couch, curled up....remembering all the memories that reside in this very bedroom. I'm not even sure what to do...I'm sure that I'm not allowed to live here, anymore. My rug and furniture are still here....but I have yet to find that little piece of my heart that fell out when I saw his profile.

I guess I'm still sitting on this couch because I have nowhere else to go. I have no home, nobody else to go to. So I'm kind of alone. I might just have to accept the fact that he's not coming back tonight. I'm mostly scared that he will sign on again, and see that I've found his profile, and just ignore me and never talk to me again. That's my biggest fear at the moment.

But, I guess I won't really know until I talk to him again.
I really miss him.....so much. And still love him. and just wish all this would go the hell away.

Even retail therapy couldn't help me today. I found the cutest pair of shoes today, but it was no use in even getting excited about them. I know that getting them would never make me feel better.....so why even try?

As for now.....I guess......goodnight. There's not much else to say.

what heartbreak feels like.

there's really no easy way to say this....but i'm kind of alone in SL now.
i haven't been on in a couple of months, because i moved to college and i've been so swamped with getting everything together and such. tonight, i randomly thought about signing on to second life...because i haven't been on in such a long time.

well, now i'm wishing i would have forgotten about sl forever.

tonight, when i signed on, *deep breath*, i discovered that Hot has moved on. completely. he has a new partner, some bimbo with a screen name "kissy".

i don't know whether to be mad, or upset, or both. i mean, i guess i can't blame him for not waiting on me....but at the same time i really believed he would. i thought maybe we had a more special connection than this. he calls this new girl his "wife" and "love" and blahblahblah. when i saw his profile....and that he had a partner....my heart just completely sank into my stomach.

i also can't figure out why i care so much. it's just second life, right? some virtual world?
or did we honestly have a better connection established??

you know, he always talked to me about taking things slowly...not to rush into our relationship, and that we'd pick a wedding date when we felt ready. well, seems to be that all it takes is two months to meet someone and get virtually married.

i'm not going to lie. i'm seriously hurt. i really thought i meant so much more to him...and that he understood i was busy at college. he had my skype address....and i was on practically every night, just seeing if maybe he'd sign on. (yeah yeah, i know. i had time for skype but not SL). it's just that the internet at this college is soooo slow (it's like wi-fi almost) and it's hard to get SL up and running.

sadly, i am upset. either way you look at it, i'm pretty crushed. like, there are honest real tears welling up in my eyes right now. i didn't think some virtual relationship would mean so much to me......but it did.

all i can do is try to stop these questions from running through my mind: is this the punishment i get for disappearing for a couple of months at college? wasn't what Hot and i had special? did i even mean to him what he said i did??????!!!! or was it all just bullshit??

i dont want to believe it was all fake....but somehow, it's hard not to. in past relationships (real life ones) i've been pretty gullible in believing anything a guy can tell me. i guess i can only hope that what he said to me was real. i'm just so damn dumbfounded right now i can't stand it. i can't believe that i trusted him to wait on me, because i thought he trusted me to return.

i'm just not sure what to do right now. i can't look at his profile anymore, and that picture of both of them....it just upsets me even more. i'm sure i'll return to second life, but it's going to take a good bit of time to heal from this.

in a way, i can't really blame him for wanting another partner....and i was gone for an awfully long time, but i really truly trusted him to wait on me. i thought i made it clear to him that i'd be back. and i sent him messages on skype, apologizing for not being online.

but now, he's married. in a matter of two months he's married another girl.
it's been a long time since i've really felt heartbreak like this. (partly because my RL relationship is going well, and partly because i don't put my guard down for just anyone) that's right. i don't trust just any guy.....but i trusted him. i really trusted him. :(